About Robert "Keith" Cartwright
I am a friend of God, a dad, a writer, speaker, and an advocate for healing-centered relationships.
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RKC's Most Recent Article
Fear Of Bad Choices Isn't The Best Path To Good Choices
I was beaten as a child.
I don't think the people who beat me would use that language. They would likely say I was whipped.
Or spanked.
Or paddled.
I understand that, because for most of my life that is the language I myself used to describe the beatings.
Almost always, I was told the beatings were a demonstration of love. And to me, spanking sounded much more loving than a beating. That language helped me navigate the confusion that lived at the intersection of violence and love.
Labeling a beating a spanking made the people in my life that I was supposed to love a whole lot more lovable, at least in story. But it's hard to actually and fully love people you are afraid of, and it's hard not to be afraid of people who beat you.
Isn't that the intention of a beating - or a spanking - to instill fear? Isn't it to make one more instinctually afraid of making a poor choice - (poor choice as defined by the spanker) - than it is to help one develop their own reasoning and decision making skills.
Because let's be clear - being afraid to do something and choosing not to do something are not nearly the same things. Someone who is navigating life trying to navigate their fears of something or someone has far less capacity to think logically about anything. Mainly because our brains are designed to feel safe and connected before they will ever shift gears to healthy thinking.
Fear triggers instincts, not rational thinking. Instincts like people pleasing, hiding, avoiding conflict or confrontation. Fear leaves one emotionally ill-equipped for most problem solving, so one develops instincts that will help them avoid problems all together.
To be clear, I don't think one person who ever beat me did so to hurt me. I absolutely DO believe every person who ever beat me BELIEVED it was a loving thing to do; you quite often love the way you learned to love as a child.
A generation of beating children to show love grooms another generation to love via violence. (Because again, let's be clear, parenting is the only example I can think of when we will not instantly call striking another human - outside of self-defense - an act of violence).
Oprah Winfrey talks openly about being 'whipped' as a child. She recalls having to retrieve the switch that was used to 'whip' her. In an interview Oprah shared the following:
"I remember doing a show on the Oprah show years later, talking about should children be spanked and a black woman stood up and said, well, I got beat every day by my father, I was in the choir and my father beat me in front of the whole congregation in church and I turned out okay. And I'm like, did you really? Because nobody, anybody who's ever been hit, realizes the humiliation of that. What you feel more than anything, even as a little kid, is the humiliation of it. And what you are being told in that moment is that you have no value, that you are worth nothing, that you are so worthless that I get now to lay my hands on you and physically beat you."
I know that sounds harsh, especially to folks who have spanked or are currently spanking their children. But for many children, and many adults who have wrestled with this reality all of our lives, like me, Oprah's story hits too close to home to feel harsh.
It feels more like a way to better understand why I have always been so prone to feeling humiliated - to feeling like I am not valuable enough - in almost every relationship I have had beyond my childhood. Because, you see, once humiliation is where your instincts go, once your instincts are to question your value in a relationship, many responses to actions in a relationship that are not nearly as attacking as physical violence, can still feel like humiliation.
Can still feel like my value is being questioned.
When I talk about this in public, many parents feel judged. Or feel defensive. Or feel regret for what they might have done to their child. That is not my goal there; it is not my goal here.
My goal is to have these discussions from the viewpoint of a child. From looking at the impact on a child's development. Quite often these conversations are limited to morality, right or wrong, many will even turn to the bible to justify the striking of a child. Yet, I rarely here anyone talk about the true impact on a child.
(Side note: the Jesus of the bible, who is personally my greatest example of right living, never once struck someone to encourage or uphold right living. So any leaning on the bible to support striking a child assumes Jesus would want us to do something with our children he never once did with one of his - as we are ALL his children).
I have come to know that nothing hides the brokenness of a child more than a child who lives in constant compliance for fear of ever looking like they have done something wrong. (That can also become true of partners in a marriage).
Brokenness can be well hidden by people-pleasing. Lying. Manipulating. All things one gets very good at - it becomes their instincts - if it helps them avoid the physical pain and humiliation of being physically struck in childhood.
It turns out, it's very difficult to believe others who have zero interest in striking you don't want to strike you when you have instincts built on living in fear of the people who actually did strike you. You can live in a world, largely unknowingly, that looks like everyone wants to hit you.
Again, it's important for me to say, I have no resentment toward the people who struck me. It is indeed very difficult to feel a sense of love and connection with them - fear is actually the opposite of connection - but I have come to accept you can NOT feel love and also NOT feel resentment and judgment at the same time.
Knowing how others got to the places they got to is as important to me as understanding how I've gotten to the places I've gotten to.
I also know this; I have not been a perfect father. Not close. But even though I can recall snagging hold of my boys' little wrists a time or two, shooting them some angry glares, all which makes me cringe with some shame, neither of my boys have ever experienced me striking them. I believe that no matter what my boys come to ultimately think of me as their father, they will not live in fear of me.
I believe that is an underappreciated gift in relationships; no fear.
I am not sure that would be the case with my boys if I hadn't experienced what I experienced as a child. So I am nothing but grateful for every single thing I've been through.
It is also my mission, it is at the heart of this very difficult article to write, that any normalcy that remains in our culture about adults striking children, any ideas that this is a good and loving thing to do to our kids, that I can help us at least explore a sense of the abnormal and the unhealthy in that conversation.
Help us explore our beliefs about adults striking children through the lived experience of childhood relationships turned adult relationships.
I believe we all have done and are doing the best we can with what we have and know in this moment. I also believe we always have it within us to make the next moment better.
I believe this is especially true when it comes to our kids.
I don't think the people who beat me would use that language. They would likely say I was whipped.
Or spanked.
Or paddled.
I understand that, because for most of my life that is the language I myself used to describe the beatings.
Almost always, I was told the beatings were a demonstration of love. And to me, spanking sounded much more loving than a beating. That language helped me navigate the confusion that lived at the intersection of violence and love.
Labeling a beating a spanking made the people in my life that I was supposed to love a whole lot more lovable, at least in story. But it's hard to actually and fully love people you are afraid of, and it's hard not to be afraid of people who beat you.
Isn't that the intention of a beating - or a spanking - to instill fear? Isn't it to make one more instinctually afraid of making a poor choice - (poor choice as defined by the spanker) - than it is to help one develop their own reasoning and decision making skills.
Because let's be clear - being afraid to do something and choosing not to do something are not nearly the same things. Someone who is navigating life trying to navigate their fears of something or someone has far less capacity to think logically about anything. Mainly because our brains are designed to feel safe and connected before they will ever shift gears to healthy thinking.
Fear triggers instincts, not rational thinking. Instincts like people pleasing, hiding, avoiding conflict or confrontation. Fear leaves one emotionally ill-equipped for most problem solving, so one develops instincts that will help them avoid problems all together.
To be clear, I don't think one person who ever beat me did so to hurt me. I absolutely DO believe every person who ever beat me BELIEVED it was a loving thing to do; you quite often love the way you learned to love as a child.
A generation of beating children to show love grooms another generation to love via violence. (Because again, let's be clear, parenting is the only example I can think of when we will not instantly call striking another human - outside of self-defense - an act of violence).
Oprah Winfrey talks openly about being 'whipped' as a child. She recalls having to retrieve the switch that was used to 'whip' her. In an interview Oprah shared the following:
"I remember doing a show on the Oprah show years later, talking about should children be spanked and a black woman stood up and said, well, I got beat every day by my father, I was in the choir and my father beat me in front of the whole congregation in church and I turned out okay. And I'm like, did you really? Because nobody, anybody who's ever been hit, realizes the humiliation of that. What you feel more than anything, even as a little kid, is the humiliation of it. And what you are being told in that moment is that you have no value, that you are worth nothing, that you are so worthless that I get now to lay my hands on you and physically beat you."
I know that sounds harsh, especially to folks who have spanked or are currently spanking their children. But for many children, and many adults who have wrestled with this reality all of our lives, like me, Oprah's story hits too close to home to feel harsh.
It feels more like a way to better understand why I have always been so prone to feeling humiliated - to feeling like I am not valuable enough - in almost every relationship I have had beyond my childhood. Because, you see, once humiliation is where your instincts go, once your instincts are to question your value in a relationship, many responses to actions in a relationship that are not nearly as attacking as physical violence, can still feel like humiliation.
Can still feel like my value is being questioned.
When I talk about this in public, many parents feel judged. Or feel defensive. Or feel regret for what they might have done to their child. That is not my goal there; it is not my goal here.
My goal is to have these discussions from the viewpoint of a child. From looking at the impact on a child's development. Quite often these conversations are limited to morality, right or wrong, many will even turn to the bible to justify the striking of a child. Yet, I rarely here anyone talk about the true impact on a child.
(Side note: the Jesus of the bible, who is personally my greatest example of right living, never once struck someone to encourage or uphold right living. So any leaning on the bible to support striking a child assumes Jesus would want us to do something with our children he never once did with one of his - as we are ALL his children).
I have come to know that nothing hides the brokenness of a child more than a child who lives in constant compliance for fear of ever looking like they have done something wrong. (That can also become true of partners in a marriage).
Brokenness can be well hidden by people-pleasing. Lying. Manipulating. All things one gets very good at - it becomes their instincts - if it helps them avoid the physical pain and humiliation of being physically struck in childhood.
It turns out, it's very difficult to believe others who have zero interest in striking you don't want to strike you when you have instincts built on living in fear of the people who actually did strike you. You can live in a world, largely unknowingly, that looks like everyone wants to hit you.
Again, it's important for me to say, I have no resentment toward the people who struck me. It is indeed very difficult to feel a sense of love and connection with them - fear is actually the opposite of connection - but I have come to accept you can NOT feel love and also NOT feel resentment and judgment at the same time.
Knowing how others got to the places they got to is as important to me as understanding how I've gotten to the places I've gotten to.
I also know this; I have not been a perfect father. Not close. But even though I can recall snagging hold of my boys' little wrists a time or two, shooting them some angry glares, all which makes me cringe with some shame, neither of my boys have ever experienced me striking them. I believe that no matter what my boys come to ultimately think of me as their father, they will not live in fear of me.
I believe that is an underappreciated gift in relationships; no fear.
I am not sure that would be the case with my boys if I hadn't experienced what I experienced as a child. So I am nothing but grateful for every single thing I've been through.
It is also my mission, it is at the heart of this very difficult article to write, that any normalcy that remains in our culture about adults striking children, any ideas that this is a good and loving thing to do to our kids, that I can help us at least explore a sense of the abnormal and the unhealthy in that conversation.
Help us explore our beliefs about adults striking children through the lived experience of childhood relationships turned adult relationships.
I believe we all have done and are doing the best we can with what we have and know in this moment. I also believe we always have it within us to make the next moment better.
I believe this is especially true when it comes to our kids.
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