36 questions to Build - And Keep - Love

In doing some reading about Valentine's Day, I stumbled upon a 1990s psychological study that later got billed as 'The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.' It was billed as such because a few of the participants in the original study fell in love and in short order got married.

The original intent of the study, however, was to better understand what strengthens interpersonal connections - all connections, not just romantic.

As I read through the questions - questions designed to manufacture progressive vulnerability - I didn't find myself wondering if these questions can truly build love as much as I found myself wondering how many people 'in love' could sit and answer these questions with one another. It's a curiosity that stems from recognizing the absence of such vulnerability in my own previous relationships.

I wrote yesterday that there's a difference between FEELING love and FINDING love. I think FINDING love has a lot to do with creating a space where two people have the ability to safely exchange inner worlds. Where someone hears your fears without turning away. Where someone can reveal their own uncertainties. Where two people can risk honesty instead of managing a closely guarded image.

That’s a world that is often very different from the often longed for... CHEMISTRY.

Chemistry can make two people feel powerfully drawn to one another. Vulnerability and emotional safety are what make two people feel attached to another when chemistry seems scarce.

Here are the 36 questions from the study. You might find them interesting.

You might wonder, first and foremost, could I sit down with the people close to me and ask of one another these questions? And if I have been close to someone a long time, how many of the deeper answers that these questions explore do I know about them - and them of me?

I think they are great questions. Whether building a new love or looking to strengthen the love you have.

________

SET ONE

The goal of these first 12 questions is to help build closeness between conversation partners. The questions start out less personal, more like something you might ask someone on a first date, before gradually becoming more personal.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

SET TWO

The second set of questions are all about fostering a greater sense of intimacy. They explore things like personal experiences, values, and emotions

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time?

Why haven't you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

SET THREE

Where the two previous sets of questions were about creating closeness and establishing intimacy, the third and final set is all about forging deeper emotional intimacy.

Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."

Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.