A Mind That Wrestles Does Not Have To Be Defeated

I can say, quite truthfully, nothing in my life has defeated me in the face of a life that has certainly tried valiantly to do so. Nothing - nothing at all - has ever fully taken away my capacity to keep going.

I can also say, quite truthfully, that I’ve lived decades stuck inside a fight with myself that no one else could see. A fight that has constantly left me questioning my desire and capacity to keep valiantly marching forward.

I know as well as anyone that it is possible to win the fight with THE world while wondering if you can ever win the fight with YOUR world.

David, one of the bible's strongest and most brilliant heroes once asked:

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

David, well known by Christians and non-Christians alike for coming out victorious in one of the greatest underdog stories ever told - David versus Goliath - was often far less victorious with the Goliaths of his mind than the Goliaths of the world.

David, taking down giants with a sling and a stone; and yet David, continually stoned by the giants of his mind.

This contradiction has defined my life. It is the tension that has preceded most every breath I've ever taken.

I don't believe for a second that this is an accident, an unplanned war. For the God who has so lovingly gifted me with ways in which to bring goodness to the world is at war with an enemy that wants nothing more than to deny that goodness. Evil truly sees its greatest gift as a denying of God's gifts even a chance of surfacing.

A gift it will go to war to keep hold of.

And this war, it would seem to me, often takes place within the confines of my own mind.

As I finish writing my book: "Demons Too Big To Hide: Living Life Under the Influence of Trauma" - in many ways I feel it is a war story. THAT war story.

It is the story of a life pointed toward greatness from hour one doing war with a mind forever determined to cut that story far short of the author's design. The author of evil has no intention of letting the author of my story sell His story to the world. Evil insists this story can and MUST not become a best seller.

Not without a war.

But David, whose stories we tell to this day, thousands of years later, stories of His goodness, would say in the middle of the war, would say on the other side of asking how long:

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

But I trust....

Three words maybe more powerful than a sling and a stone.

Words, that maybe they did not win the war, but they interrupted it often enough to remind David that his story was not over. To remind David that no matter how often his wrestling felt like the end, it was always pointing him to the win.

The win against giants.

The win against evil.

The win against ever believing that a mind that felt forever at war with itself was ever going to be denied reaching the greatness it was forever pointed toward.

David was never afraid to cry out loud: how long must I wrestle?

And David was never afraid to answer out loud: but I trust....

In trust, David found the answer. And here I sit, thousands of years later, writing about it.

The enemy did not defeat David, the enemy will not defeat me.