​I was in high school. Wars in the Middle East were raging. I had buddies who constantly talked about these wars. They said, given the chance, they'd be there in a heartbeat.

But me - nothing made my heart beat faster - nothing made me want to be more invisible - nothing left me feeling more cowardly than the thought of being in the middle of anyone's war.

I'm sure I never said that out loud to my buddies.

It's possible I've never said that out loud to anyone.

Is there a more admirable character trait than bravery? Is there a harder question to ask one's self - why am I not brave?

I'm not sure I've ever found a suitable answer to that question. And somewhere along the way, I think I traded asking it in for being grateful and in awe of those who don't have to ask it at all.

In my eyes, this is their day.

This is the day when I remember all those who disregarded that question and lived out the answer by making the ultimate sacrifice.

Sometimes, not being able to completely comprehend the heart and the mind of another leaves you ironically well-suited to appreciate what the heart and mind of another has done on your behalf.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends"

Because so many have been willing to do just that - lay down their lives for their friends - we can begin to understand the magnitude of those words.

We can begin to absorb that truth - there is no greater love.

And for that - for that kind of love - for that kind of bravery - I am grateful.

​If I had to identify the biggest challenge I've had over the years in my relationship with God, it would be this. I've spent way more time pressuring God to help me understand my circumstances than I have thanking Him for being beside me in whatever those circumstances are.

I got to thinking about this in terms of running this morning. I've run a lot of really hard races - races that hurt me. I've run many of them with people I care a lot about. In the middle of the pain of those races, I've rarely seen the friend I've been with as the source or explanation for my pain. I've always just been thankful to have them with me while I've battled it.

Sure, in running the pain isn't much of a mystery. I signed up for it. But I signed up for it knowing it's the pain that makes me stronger. The pain that ultimately molds me into the person I'm made to be.

Whether I understand it or not, that's this race of life. God is using all of my circumstances to strengthen me, to ready me for the next challenge in life, to ultimately mold me into the person he wants me to be at the finish line of life.

And like in running, nothing takes away from that experience more than me spending all of my time trying to figure out the pain at the expense of being grateful for the one I'm going through the pain with.

God is on to something here, you know.

Lately, I've formed relationships with some unlikely people in my life. Not unlikely because they aren't good people; unlikely because I just didn't see them coming.

But these are people who have showed up to say I want to help you navigate your circumstances. I have no explanation for them. I'm pretty sure I can't fix any of them. But I can sure travel through them with you.

These friends have taught me that we miss out on the beauty of a relationship when we spend all of our time trying to figure out the circumstances that formed it in the first place. These friends have taught me that true bonds might best start with an agreement we're going to go through this together - no matter what this is or where this might go.

That's sort of God's promise to us. I'm here with you in this, no matter what this is or where this might go, I've got you.

We love our friends best - we love God best - when we see the treasure in that.

The treasure in I don't have all the answers, but I'm here to ride out any questions you ever have.

In a world where answers never truly come, that is a beautiful gift.

When we are babies, our survival is totally dependent on someone showing up at the most cricitcal moments in our lives.

When we are hungry, we need someone to show up to feed us. And when they do, we feel loved.

When we have medical needs, we need someone to show up and take our temperature and get us to the doctor. And when they do, we feel loved.

There's no way around it - when we are babies, there is nothing we can do to tend to our own survival. We need others to show up and tend to it. And when they do, we feel loved.

In the earliest seconds of our lives - as babies - we come to define love as people saving our lives. If all the world around us was sitting on their phones, or tending to their own lives instead of ours, if all the world around us was too busy to notice our needs and our desires, we would die.

Not movie scene die - but really die.

I think some days in our adult lives we think the definition of love changes. That somehow love becomes something different than being attuned with and attentive toward and responsive to - to simply be present with - another human being.

Too many days we want to make love something that requires far less of us. Something that doesn't need our attention - or investment.

Something that doesn't require our presence.

As a result, a lot of adults are dying for love. Dying without it.

Not movie scene die. But really die.

I think it's time to get back to the roots of love - to the definition that got wired into us as babies.

For a lot of people, our new defintion isn't working.
​

​In response to what I wrote yesterday, a friend of mine shared these words:

"God called those things which were not, as though they were." Sort of like faith, the substance of things hoped for, yet not seen.

Four years ago, I walked out of a conference session on 'ACEs.' When I walked into that session, I had NO idea what that acronym - ACEs - even stood for. Today, it's not uncommon for me to use that acronym a hundred or more times a day.

ACEs - adverse childhood experiences.

I stood in the hallway after that session. I was overwhelmed by what I'd just learned. I stood there - in these feelings - and in a knowing - my life just changed in that room.

In a beautiful way, my friend yesterday helped me understand that moment - those feelings. I know today I was standing in a moment of God calling something into life something that was not yet, as if it were.

I left that session with my heart on fire for sharing what I'd learned. That information got integrated into everything I do in my professional life.

It also changed the lens with which I use to look at my own life - how I tell the story of me. And like I told a group I was training this week - when we start telling the story of me without shame and guilt and judgment, that's when we get better at telling the story of others with a little more grace and understanding.

More than once I've called this work I do these days the science of empathy.

So Monday of this week, I officially interviewed for a job that was created to support this work I've been doing since I stood in that hallway. At the end of the interview, I was asked if I wanted to ask the interview panel any questions.

My boss was on that panel. I choked up and had tears - they caught me off guard really; who cries in a job interview?

But I said I don't have any questions, only a thank you.

I said, we all want to go into jobs, every day, where we feel like we're making a difference. I told her when she allowed me to follow my passion, when she encouraged it every step of the way, when she fought to have this position created, she gave me the gift of truly feeling like I'm making a difference.

All along, she was a very visible representation of God calling into life something that was not - as if it already were.

Yesterday, when I got done with a training, I checked my email. There was a message from our HR - a letter - offering me the job. And again, there were tears.

But these tears were all for God. Because that letter was from him. That letter was an invisible faith turning visible.

That letter was a reminder that when we follow our passions and our hearts, stay true to them, an invisible God is showing up in very real and life altering ways.

The timing of it all borders on the miraculous. The financial and spiritual and emotional gift of this job - that letter - to the minute - came right when I needed it.

The tears reading that letter - those tears came in knowing that when I was standing in that hallway 4 years ago, overwhelmed with a feeling I couldn't put my finger on - that feeling was an invisible God standing next to me.

That feeling was an invisible faith about to be made quite visible.

That feeling was an invisible God saying remember this moment. I'm stamping it on your heart. Because one day you're going to look back on this moment and know I had a plan. I had a plan for a day you don't even see coming. I have answers for problems you don't yet know exist.

I'm ahead of you on this one, he was saying. But I'm beside you all the way on this journey into the unknown.

I know there are people who think I believe in the invisible. I get that.

But my God isn't invisible. I read a letter from him yesterday. I know it was dated 4 years ago.

And yesterday, it arrived right on time.

​I started this morning reading these words from a friend about her 5-mile run LATE last night.

"I did not start my run until midnight after my shift and I definitely wasn’t feeling it. But I made a commitment and I’m going to do my damndest to stick to it."

'I definitely wasn't feeling it' - those words - I think those words hold an awful lot of people back in life. Too many people are waiting for the right mood, the right feelings - they are waiting for all the life ingredients to magically fall in place before they make the move to accomplish something.

That's why I've come to see it as sort of a superpower in people. This ability to look in the face of 'I don't feel like it' - laugh at it - and then do what they don't feel like doing anyways.

These are people who have come to realize - in Godin's words: "We change our mood as a result of how we act. If you want to feel a certain way, begin by acting as if you do."

How empowering is that?

We're sitting around in life with a mood we don't want to have, so we make some shifts and start living the life that looks like the mood we do want to have.

I've been there - on both sides. I've been the guy who has played a victim to my moods. I've waited them out - 'surely this too will pass.' And what I've found - sure - the mood passes. But then there's another one waiting anxiously in line to take its place. Every. Single. Time.

Oh have I been there. Lived there.

These days, though, I am here.

I am here in this place where when I don't feel like writing - I write. Because I want to feel like a guy in the mood to write.

I am here in this place where when I don't feel like I can have relationships, I pick up the phone and call someone and have a meaningful conversation. Because I want to feel like a guy in the mood to have a relationship.

I am here in this place where when I feel like I'm too old to do things I used to do, I go run a long way because I want to feel like a guy in the mood to do things not many people my age can do.

I am here in this place where when I don't feel like doing ANYTHING I know is going to move me forward in life, I do it anyways.

Because frankly, I've grown tired of waiting for the circumstances in my life to magically line up perfectly for me to become who I'm made to be. I'm tired of my moods standing between me and ME.

I'll tell you what I've discovered early on in this process. Moods are weak. Once you stand up to them and let them know 'I'm not going to have my life dictated by you' - I am not your victim - they start complying with more of your demands.

When you look the "I don't feel like it" mood straight in the eyes, and you tell it, "I made a commitment and I’m going to do my damndest to stick to it," that mood runs off like the wounded.

And what I've found, it's a mood that has far less interest in returning to do battle with you again.

My advice today - if you feel a mood come over you that you don't like, start acting like the mood you want. Let the mood you don't want go victimize someone else.

Someone far more willing than you to just sit and wait for the moods to pass.

​In addition to having the boys every other weekend, I take them to dinner one night a week. Those dinners can be hard.

I know our time together will be brief. I know I'll be dropping them off in short order and then driving home without them. That's been the one area of all this that does not get better with time.

The thing is - I know these are their circumstances as well - not just mine. In the middle of those dinners, I have found myself wondering - do they think I'm a bad dad because of those circumstances?

I wonder if they know in this situation there were no great circumstances to choose from, but that I've ultimately chosen the one I think will be best for them.

If not today - in the long run.

I wonder if they can see through the circumstances and see someone trying to be a good dad.

Here's what I've also been wondering this week.

I wonder if God's been wondering that about me. I wonder if God is wondering if I can see through my circumstances - to Him - and see a good God doing the best thing for me.

Today AND in the long run.

I wonder if God is hoping that I recongize, sometimes there are no good circumstances to choose from. But through all of them, he is always wanting me to see the good in him.

And maybe even as much, through all of them, he is trying to help me see and feel the good he sees in me.

I guess I have an advantage over my boys in this regard.

I have a history dotted with challenging circumstances. I have reference points all over the decades that I can look back on and see a God I thought was bad was actually good.

Maybe that's how it will go with my boys.

Maybe one day they'll look back on those dinners and on me like I look back on my dotted past and God. Maybe they'll look back and say, I get what he was up to there. And it wasn't bad.

For now, I lean into the hope that is knowing God is good. All the time. No matter what the circumstances.

And me? I'm just trying to follow his lead. All the time. No matter what the circumstances.

Because our circumstances don't get to determine if God is good or bad. God does that. And he has been SO SO good...... 

​After being sober for 11 years, actor Russell Brand wrote an essay. In the essay, he said, "Drugs and alcohol are not my problem. Reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution."

One of the things I tell people all the time to NOT tell someone struggling with an addiction or any form of unhealthy habit or hangup - do not tell them "that won't solve anything."

Because as someone who has had his fair share of habits, hangups and addictions - I'm here to tell you, they solve everything for a moment. Often several moments.

That's a hard thing to understand for someone genuinely trying to help someone.

But what makes most helpers the most helpless is they don't understand the reality of the person they're trying to help. On top of that, even when maybe they DO understand that person's reality, they too often think it's a reality someone should be able to handle without turning to substances or eating or shopping or gambling or whatever else they turn to for a moment of peace.

Because here's the thing, people don't start drinking to cope with their reality when it feels bad to you, they do it when it feels bad to them. Your opinion they should be able to handle their reality healthier and more responsibly does nothing to ease the pain of their internal wrestling match.

Alcohol does. Sex does. Shopping does. Eating does.

A lot does.

People's opinions and judgments don't.

As a culture, we are as ill-equipped to deal with the many addiction epidemics as addicts are ill-equipped to deal with their realities. Mostly, that's because we've become far more comfortable judging choices and behaviors than we have exploring the history of those choices.

Because most choices aren't a reflection of that moment in time when they are made, they are personal histories expressed in that single moment in time.

But again, choices are easier to understand than histories.

Choices can be reconciled with one moment of judgment. Histories take time and investment and understanding....

Histories require compassion and empathy.

Gary Zukav says, "When you find an addiction, do not be ashamed. Be joyful. You have found something that you have come to this earth to heal."

When Zukav talks about healing, he isn't talking about the addiction. He's talking about the hurting beneath the addiction, the hurting we get to when we begin wrestling with the addiction. The source of true healing.

Many folks never get there, though. They don't get there because of the shame - because they never get to feel the joy in the journey.

We the helpers, we are often the source of that shame. Too often we add shame and guilt to the realities that too many people were already struggling to cope with.

Our prisons are full of people whose greatest crime was their struggle with reality. As a culture, we've largely decided to control people's realities instead of investing in better ways to help them deal with the ones they have.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Often, substance abuse and other addictions are classified as mental health issues. More and more, I don't believe they are.

They are solutions to the mental health issues. Because you or I think they are bad solutions doesn't eliminate them as solutions.

The day we start to understand that, we'll bring healing to millions of people who've only been able to find it in a bottle.

The day we start to understand that, we'll make a radical shift from judgment to compassion.

I've found that makes all the difference is one's reality.

​The world would lead us to believe that if we aren't killing ourselves, if we aren't constantly feeling exhausted, if we aren't out there working while the rest of the world is sleeping, then we'll never get ahead.

In his book 'Effortless: Make It Easier To Do What Matters Most' - Greg McKeown talks about the difference between a habit and a ritual. He suggests we might be better off having more rituals than habits.

McKeown tells a story about his family dinner times. He and his wife and children gather around the table. They take turns telling each other stories about the day. When they're done, they toast one another to celebrate something good about each of their days.

It's a habit they have - it's what they do every day - but he says it's a habit with soul, so it's really a ritual.

After dinner, however - when it's time to do the dishes - McKeown noticed the kids would always disappear. It became HIS chore to get them to do THEIR chore.

So one day he asked his daughter what might make dish washing a little more interesting. What might add some 'soul' to it? After some conversation, she suggested adding a little music to the habit.

As a result, many nights now, his kids can be found singing and dancing while doing the dishes. Sometimes the music is loud - and maybe not dad's favorite music - but they are doing the dishes.

They've turned a habit into a ritual.

I thought about this in terms of my writing.

Writing used to be a habit for me. I tried to write at least a little something every day. Many days I wrote simply because I was scared not to - I wrote out of fear of not getting it done and checking the box.

Over the last couple of years, though, I've begun to write because it's sacred to me. McKeown says that's what happens when we turn something from a habit to a ritual - what we do comes from a place of sacred and not scared.

Writing has become this cool way for me to come here and share life with friends. It's become a hopeful way for me to look at my day - the things I read and the conversations I have with other people - or even just the random thoughts that come to my head - they are all these potentially exciting things I can't wait to share with friends.

Showing up here in the mornings has become this sacred opportunity that I look forward to - not a habit I begrudgingly get done.

It's a habit that's become a ritual.

Where writing used to feel like a lot of hard work - I used to feel like I was killing myself to get it done - it feels much easier these days.

Don't get me wrong - it is still a lot of hard work. It just doesn't FEEL as hard as it once did.

Maybe that's why feeling like I'm working hard isn't always the best measure of whether or not I'm doing meaningful work. Maybe when something feels sacred, maybe when it feels like this thing I'm doing taps into my soul - maybe that's a more meaningful measure of work.

What's a habit this week you can make more ritual?

What habit this week can you make more an expression of who you are than this thing you're afraid of not getting done?

Sometimes it's as simple as reminding yourself 'why' you are doing something. Sometimes it means switching it up - adding a little soul - or music - to what you're doing. Sometimes sharing your habit with others adds soul to it.

Whatever it is, in the end, what we do because it's sacred will always feel easier than the things we do because we're scared.

And life's hard enough without EVERYTHING having to feel hard.

​Often times, the things we lack in life are lacks we imagine. Lacks we've created in our minds as explanations for a life not going so well. They are the things we tell ourselves - 'if I only had this' - life would be better.

If I only had a better paying job.
If I only had the perfect relationship.
If only I was bigger or faster or stronger.
If only, if only, if only....

I've been through this many times in my life. I've been through the cycle of 'lacking' something, then getting it, only to discover there were things I was still lacking.

It turns out, for me at least, that lacking isn't a condition of life, it's a way of looking at life.

It's a way of skipping gratitude in the interest of chasing things you think will fill you with an ultimate gratitude. The net result of that chase is you live a life always feeling like you're lacking something.

I've told people lately, my relationship with God is closer than it's ever been. Because lately, the more I focus on what I'm lacking, the louder I hear God saying, 'but you have me.'

Last week I got to focusing on finances. Started thinking about the things I wanted to do this summer. I also got to thinking about how things are a little more challenging lately when it comes to money. And so there I was, taking a deep dive into the world of 'lacking.'

Lack. Lack. Lack. I could almost hear the drill bit unearthing all the things I was lacking.

It was a Friday. On Fridays I always go to my online bank account to make sure payroll money has been deposited in there. I noticed an extra deposit from my part-time job. Turns out, a letter telling us about an upcoming bonus had been mailed to my old address.

But there it was - unexpected money.

Sure, many of you will say a beautifully timed coincidence.

But I've experienced enough of these beautifully timed coincidences in my life to know it wasn't a coincidence at all. It was God. And not God handing out bonus checks, but God handing out a reminder.

A reminder that when I focus on what I lack, I will lose what I have. But when I focus on God, he is always going to provide me what I lack.

The beautiful thing about God providing what I lack; he's always good to provide what I actually lack - not what I think I lack.

There are many days lately I can get to thinking that God is all I have. And on those days, I get to feeling like I have more than I've ever had.

It's the beauty of focusing on what we have and not what we lack.

​Many people discover an amazing superpower early in life. They discover they have the power to make people smile.

When they want peace in their life, they make the people around them smile.

When they are feeling sad or down, no sweat, they make the world around them smile.

Then one day they wake up exhausted. It's like in those superhero movies when the superhero's powers suddenly run dry. They still have a burning desire to make everyone around them smile, to save the world, they've simply run out of the physical energy to do it.

May is Mental Health Awareness month, so I'll tell you that kind of exhaustion is sometimes called depression. Depression is often dealing with the fact your superpower is gone.

Part of the depression comes from the reality that when you spend your life surrounding yourself with people you know you can make smile, there's a good chance you didn't surround yourself with people equally invested in making you smile.

You've conditioned people to show up for the smiles - not to produce them.

One of the things I've said about 2021 - this will be a year of living authentically. And one of the most inauthentic things we can do with our lives is make people smile.

Now you're asking, what's so wrong with smiles?

Nothing.

Nothing is wrong with smiles unless they come at the expense of your own. Nothing is wrong with a smile unless you wake up one day willing to do ANYTHING to make someone else smile. Nothing is wrong with a smile unless recognizing a friendly smile in your life becomes more important than you being able to recognize you.

In this training I led yesterday, we talked about the idea of neighborhood reciprocity. People living near one another with a shared passion for helping each other out. You help me; I help you. Not because it's the 'right' or 'moral' thing to do, but because that's what makes the neighbors feel like they're living in peace.

Maybe reciprocity is behind all peaceful relationships. This burning and shared desire to make each other smile.

When people read that quote from Dr. Leaf - some folks may think there's a harshness to it. This idea of I'm tired of worrying about what everyone around me thinks about me so I'm changing who the people around me are.

Maybe it is harsh. I know it feels harsh thinking it and saying it.

And doing it.

But what doesn't feel harsh? What doesn't feel harsh is waking up every day feeling like you can go be the real you. When you wake up free from the prison of the pressure to please everyone around you each and every day - you discover you actually have the capacity to make more people smile than you ever imagined.

Maybe because you begin wearing a smile you never knew you had.

In some ways, it's like discovering a brand new superpower.