Blame is a stall tactic

The way I see it, we are all waking up in circumstances this morning. Every one of us. I figure some of us are waking up feeling good about our circumstances. And some of us - well, maybe we're not.

I'll be honest, I've been in the maybe not group many mornings the last couple of years. And because I have, I've had the chance to learn a lot about being in circumstances I don't feel good about.

The biggest thing I've learned is when we are in circumstances we don't like, there are three roads we follow.

We do things to make our circumstances better. We do things to make our circumstances worse. Or we go about trying to make new circumstances for ourselves.

I'm going to tell you what has most stood in the way of me making my circumstances better - or in the way of me creating new circumstances for myself - acknowledging those two often look like the same thing. What has most stood in my way is me blaming other people for the circumstances that haven't feel good to me.

I imagine that happens a lot in broken marriages. This need to blame someone for what is broke. I suppose that happens in a lot of relationships that break. I suppose it happens in job situations that break. Or financial situations that break. Shoot, it even happens when our favorite football team loses.

There's an instinct to blame.

I think that instinct comes from a few places. One, if we can get someone to agree this is 'their' fault, then I'm relieved of having to own any of this is 'my' fault.

I think here is also this desire to be innocent in the court of public opinion. We can find ourselves sitting around and wondering, whose fault do people think this is? I bet their blaming me. Blame can become our way of trying to control that public opinion.

And I think there is this. We have a seemingly insatiable thirst for accountability. Listen, I believe holding ourselves accountable is a healthy trait. I've just rarely - or ever - seen blaming someone or something being the best road to getting there. But we can get to believing, if I just blame a little louder and more aggressively, accountability will follow.

I've come to know there is a big difference between wanting our circumstances to be better and doing something to actually make them better or new.

Blame is a great bad circumstances stall tactic. It allows us to spend more time WANTING things to be better and delaying the often hard work or tough choices that actually MAKE things better.

You know, early on, when I'd have my time with my boys, I spent some of that time blaming other people and other circumstances because I 'only' got to have the boys for a couple of days - or a couple of hours.

You know what I finally figured out? Whether it was all my fault - all someone else's fault - a mix of both - none of that mattered. The whole stinking world could have stood up and said, I'm sorry, this is ALL my fault, and it would have had ZERO influence on the opportunity I had to create new circucmstances with my boys.

I realized my boys don't have time for me to figure out whose fault this all is.

I'm not the only one. I walk through a world many days that is caught up in a blame game. I wonder where that is getting us. I wonder where it gets us when so many people are forfeiting their opportunity to create better and new circumstances while spending time blaming someone or something else for the circumstances they are in.

I've had some beautiful experiences with my boys the last several months. A lot of that came when I stopped blaming other people for the circumstances I was in, and started embracing the chance to make something brand new.

I've I stopped stalling with blame, and started doing the work that they - and I - deserve.