Bretrayal is a story, but it's seldom the whole story

​I'm leading an experience this week during which we spend a lot of time processing the impacts of our pasts. For many, those pasts include regrets.

It wasn't lost on me yesterday that in the context of this Holy Week, yesterday marks one of the more heartbreaking regrets in human history. For yesterday, a couple of thousand years ago, Judas made an arrangement with the high priests to betray Jesus.

A betrayal that ultimately led to Christ being crucified.

But the bible tells us that shortly after that arrangement:

Judas, the one who betrayed him, realized that Jesus was doomed. Overcome with remorse, he gave back the thirty silver coins to the high priests, saying, “I’ve sinned. I’ve betrayed an innocent man.”

They said, “What do we care? That’s your problem!”

Judas threw the silver coins into the Temple and left. Then he went out and hung himself.

Yesterday, listening to others wrestle with some of the experiences of their past, I found my heart breaking for Judas. Because yesterday, as strongly as ever, I realized betrayal is never as simple as an evil act carried out in hatred or disregard for the people in our lives.

Sometimes, betrayal involves confusion and wrestling with the unresolved stories of our pasts that sadly play out in dark ways toward people we actually love.

It's often assumed that Judas loved Jesus less than the other disciples because he was the one who betrayed him and sent him to his death. Is it possible that Judas loved Jesus just as much as the other disciples - or more - but never quite understood it until looking at him through the dark shadows of betrayal?

Does a man go off and hang himself because he simply made a choice he regrets. Or was that regret compounded by other challenging stories of his past. And was it intensified by a deep love for that man?

I don't know, but I do wonder.

What I do know is we can sometimes beat each other up for choices we make in life without ever knowing the stories beneath the choices. Knowing those stories doesn't make harmful choices less harmful but knowing them does open our hearts up to understanding.

And compassion.

Maybe even more destructive - we beat ourselves up over our choices without ever exploring the stories beneath them. Knowing those stories doesn't make our choices less destructive but knowing them opens us up to showing ourselves compassion.

And grace.

I feel incredibly blessed to spend time with folks walking them toward compassion for others and grace for themselves.

I feel incredibly blessed that in that walk, I myself walk too.

I walk toward grace.

I walk toward healing.

My heart breaks for people like Judas for whom the wrestling becomes too much. Because it doesn't have to be. Not ever.

There are alternatives.

Compassion. Grace. Healing.