challenging people don't have to be our enemies

​I had a challenging work experience this week involving an engagement with someone in a workshop I was leading. The challenge led me to question my character, which then felt like someone was questioning my character, and ultimately led me to feel like I was being attacked.

When you feel like you're being attacked - the person on the other end instantly becomes an enemy. For me, having enemies is not a comfortable place to be. So I spend time processing challenges like that.

Some things I've taken away as I've worked through this particular engagement:

Many challenges between individuals come about because people have differing points of view. Literally - they look at life through a different lens. Many battles take place because we think the other person - and maybe ALL persons - should look at life through the same lens we do.

I'm reminded this week there is a value in knowing the point in a conversation where common ground is no longer possible. There comes a point when it's obvious one or both people have no interest in the other person's ground. A conversation beyond that point has a far better chance at creating enemies than it does at forging understanding.

I'm not a big fan of quitting, but there is a healthy point for two people to quit having conversations - and that point isn't always at the point of understanding or agreement - other than the agreement that any talking beyond this point is going to do more harm than good.

I'm also reminded standing our ground isn't nearly as important as HOW we stand our ground. At least if our motive is to avoid making enemies out of the people who have no interest in sharing our ground.

I've been watching the show Yellowstone. It's interesting - most of the first season was introducing us to how beautiful the land is the Dutton family lives on - and how much it means to them.

The three seasons since then have been about the lengths they will go to make enemies out of anyone who doesn't honor their land the way they do, and how many people they are willing to kill in the name of standing their ground.

The show has quickly shifted from what they stand for to the lengths they are willing to go to stand for it.

I'm also reminded of this. An enemy isn't a person. An enemy is a way we choose to look at a person.

I'm several days removed from my challenging experience, now. The experience hasn't changed. The challenging memories haven't faded. I'd bet my life the other person hasn't changed their views on the things we disagreed about.

But my view of the person has changed. This person is not an enemy, they are a chance for me to learn and grow. Chances are we will never interact again. Sometimes loving our enemy means loving ourselves enough to stay out of fights we can never win.

Sometimes love doesn't look like love - it looks like taking every measure we can to avoid hate.

It's also useful to remember this: it's easy for a challenging person to turn from a lesson to an enemy. That's why it's really helpful to keep in mind - that challenging person is sometimes us....