Contradictions Are Often Just Who We Are

​I watched The Accountant this weekend. Parts one and two. And underneath the action, the fight scenes, the twisted sense of justice, one thing haunted me- resonated: Christian Wolff was a genius, and yet he was profoundly lonely.

He could calculate financial empires in seconds. He could dismantle an entire security team without flinching. But he couldn't figure out how to stay in a conversation with someone who actually saw him.

He was brilliant. But he was broken.

He was capable. But he was craving connection.

He was the strongest person in the room, and yet, the most alone.

And I couldn’t help but think: how many people are living exactly like that?

There was a moving scene in part two. Christian’s brother Brax asked him, “is the reason you don’t miss me because of me, or because of you?” Brax couldn’t understand how distant and cold Christian could be toward him at times. And he was wondering, is this you and your condition (Christian is autistic), or is this because I’m not someone who can be missed?

Christian looked at him, long and gently, but he never answered.

I have wrestled with that question over the years. Is the reason I don’t miss people because of some condition I have, or is it because other people are not people who can or should be missed?

One thing I loved about Christian Wolff in this movie is he never saw himself as wrong. Others did. His father did. Society did. But Christian doesn't explain or apologize for who he is.

That’s the look he gave Brax when Brax asked him that question. And at that moment, Brax seemed to accept it. He jumped up and said, let’s go get drunk!!

Christian jumped with him. Off they went. Brothers.

Labels never fully captured Christian. He wasn’t just “autistic.”

He was a math savant. A trauma survivor. A trained killer. A protector.

A brother.

He defied categories.

Maybe he didn’t answer because he didn’t need to. In that moment, he was fully himself, no justification necessary. And in that moving scene Christian seemed to embrace that. Maybe for the first time.

Not coincidentally – later at the bar where he and Brax went to get drunk - Christian danced with a girl as closely as he had been with a girl his whole life. And Brax was in the background cheering him on – his biggest fan.

Brax no longer needed answers to any questions.

I think I wrestle with myself often, maybe you do too, because we think we need answers that we don’t really need. We pressure ourselves to explain what’s wrong with us when there really is nothing wrong with us. Many of the questions we ask ourselves have never really been our questions at all.

We are all living contradictions in many ways. And sometimes, maybe even most of the time, that doesn’t require a label or an explanation.

It simply requires acceptance, not the least of which is from self.