Don't tap out of your thoughts and feelings

​Tapping out of tension. Oversimplifying thoughts and feelings. That describes a lot of people, I think. It sure described me for a long time.

I suppose it still describes me some days, even if not nearly as much as it used to.

None of us like tension. We're much bigger fans of peace. Tranquility. The thing is, much more than many of us know - or admit - our greatest tension comes from the battles we fight with ourselves, and not the battles we fight with others.

Sometimes it's hard to see those battles in ourselves because we are inclined to tap out of them. We get thoughts and feelings that point us to things about ourselves - long buried emotions - that don't feel good - that we'd rather not meet up with - so we run.

We run to booze or sex or scrolling or eating or maybe even the literal act of running itself.

We tap out of the risk of knowing who we really are and into something that allows us to pretend we're someone else. For a moment that feels peaceful.

Long term, though, that only builds the tension. It only builds the risk of one day breaking you before you ever have a chance of knowing you.

It's crazy to suggest, maybe, that it's a blessing to be able to get mad. To think angry thoughts. To think them and not run from them. But it is. Especially when you do that in a safe place, with a safe someone, who will get around to asking you what on earth you're so angry about.

Someone who is curious about the answer, and not judgmental.

It's a blessing to hide life so hard close enough to someone that they see right through the hiding. Because one day they will ask you what you're hiding from.

Why so much shame?

Why so much guilt?

These are all questions and answers hidden beneath the tension, beneath the thoughts and feelings we perpetually try to tell ourselves are nothing. When in reality - they are everything.

They are us. They are the us we risk never getting to know. They are the us the tension will eventually not tolerate - and it will break us.

I didn't break. And I won't. Because never again will I tap out.

I don't want you to tap out either. Wrestle with those thoughts and feelings. And when they get exhausting, wrestle with them some more. Find someone to share that exhaustion with, someone who will accept you in it and not discard you because of it.

A counselor. A friend. A partner.

I want you to discover that you've been tapping out of the chance to get to know a beautiful person. The thoughts and feelings you have - they aren't ugly, they just sometimes have sort of an ugly way of introducing you to you. Don't hold it against them.

Because you aren't ugly. You just aren't.

So don't tap out.