I have just started watching the show Friends. Part of me wishes I'd never read Matthew Perry's book, Friends, Lovers, and The Big Terribly Thing before I did.
I also know I would have never watched the show if I hadn't. In his book, Perry tells of the prayer he once said to God: God, if you'll just make me famous, you can do anything you want with me after that. Perry said of that prayer, "I held firm in my belief that fame would fill that unaccompanied hole in me. But now it was just me and vodka attempting and failing this seemingly impossible task." As I watch the show, from the very beginning, I realize I am watching a man's answered prayer. And I know from the very beginning, he realizes it was never going to be the answer he longed for. I realize as I'm watching a man become more and more famous with his humor, his unaccompanied hole only grew larger and larger. Perry would say, "I'm certain that I got famous so I would not waste my entire life trying to get famous. You have to get famous to know it's not the answer. And nobody who is not famous will ever truly believe that." Perry talks about the agonizing pressure that came with each episode. The pressure to be funny. The pressure to make people laugh. He said if he didn't get the laugh he was supposed to get, he would freak out. Every single night. It's hard watching a show knowing that. It's hard watching a character be so lovable when you know in that moment he could not love himself less. I also relate to Matthew Perry. I understand the lengths we'll go to to make other people love us as a way to cope with the love we've never found for ourselves. Only this guy is doing it in front of millions. Millions who would plan their weeks (back when you had to plan to watch your television shows) around showing up to see one of the funniest men they'd ever seen, all the while having no idea they were watching a man dying inside. I wrote once about my obsession with popularity. How in middle school and high school I wanted elected to every position of school-age fame I could get. I wanted to be captain of this and president of that and voted most likely to succeed at everything. And I was fortunate to have many of those positions. I also wrote about my first college class: "I remember my first college class. There were more people filling the endless rows and seats of that class than there were in my entire high school graduation class. All the popularity in the world means nothing when you are suddenly surrounded by a sea of strangers. Strangers who have no interest in electing you the president of anything. Strangers who have no interest in asking you to join their team, let alone making you their captain. I don't remember what that first class was, but I do remember what it felt like to be lost. As I look back, it's easy to wonder if that was the beginning of lost in my life. The beginning of alone. Or is it possible that day, in that class, my eyes were opened to something popularity had always hid from me?" I look back now through the lens of Perry's life and wonder if I wasn't saying some version of his prayer without saying the prayer - God just make me famous and you can do anything you want with me. I've certainly never experienced the kind of fame Perry did, but in my own little layer of life, I have felt famous at times. And I can look back now and know that it never filled what I was clearly trying to fill. And that in many ways, I've never stopped trying to fill it. I will journey on in this Friends experience. After reading the Matthew Perry book, I feel like I am journeying on WITH a friend. A friend I admire. Again, not on his level but on his level enough to know, it takes great strength and courage and fight to show up every day to bring joy to the lives of others even as you struggle to bring joy to yourself. These days, my prayer has definitely changed. Today my prayer is, God, let me make you famous and then you can do whatever you want with me. It's my prayer. I pray it hard. But there are days I find myself leaning on the old prayer. God make me famous. I'm thankful for the words and the work of Matthew Perry. I'm thankful for his reminder: those who have never been famous will never truly believe that fame answers none of the voids you wanted it to answer. I've never been famous, Matthew, but I believe you. Please rest easy, friend, maybe it's not consolation - maybe it is - but your fame filled more voids than you'll ever imagine. Something tells me that in the end, that became your ultimate prayer.
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Robert "Keith" CartwrightI am a friend of God, a dad, a runner who never wins, but is always searching for beauty in the race. Archives
February 2025
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