Happy are those who find who they want to do the hard stuff with

​Some days, when I talk about relationships, especially when I talk about what makes a strong relationship, I can feel a little like an imposter. Like a hypocrite. Historically, relationships haven't been my strength, to include spending the last few years navigating a broken marriage.

But when I reflect on that - I realize the things I know most about in life, the things that seem to resonate with other people, the things I can begin to feel like I have any expertise at all in - ALL of them stem from brokenness in my life.

All of them have followed a journey from lost to found.

So maybe as I write about my journey from lost to found in relationships, I hope it will help someone else along the way.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a buddy of mine. We don't talk often; it had been months since I last talked to him. Yet, when we do talk, we skip the small talk and the ice-breakers and get right to life.

I appreciate that about him.

We got to talking about marriage. And he said something to me that I reflected on a lot. He said he and his wife - whom I adore and consider an equally great friend - have a vanilla marriage.

Now when you read that, you might think he was complaining, that he was somehow wanting for more. Turns out, though, that couldn't be further from the truth.

As he described vanilla, he described two people having the space to pursue their own interests and goals in life without feeling the pressure to display a picture of what the world would call a flavorful marriage. He described giving each other space to be the individuals they each long to become, while supporting the heck out of each other in that becoming.

And then he said this. He said they are at their best when life gets hard. When difficulties come along, he said, there is no one on earth besides her that he would want to tackle them with.

I thought to myself, how beautiful and secure that must feel. Not to be with someone you know you have the ability to navigate the hardest challenges of life with, but someone you WANT to navigate them with.

I think so many pictures of relationships, whether they are marriages or family or friendships, start with images of waltzing together through the cool parts of life. The fun and the glamourous parts - the flavorful.

But then life gets hard. And maybe you come to discover you are not at your best when you're navigating that hard stuff together. Being drawn to one another by the vast flavors of life doesn't naturally translate to being drawn to one another when life loses its flavor.

When the flavors become bitter and hard to taste.

Nobody wants life to lose its flavor. Nobody wants life to get hard and difficult. Nobody does. But life doesn't care what you want. It gets hard.

I think too often, when it comes to relationships, we spend a lot of time plotting out happily ever after. We spend a lot of time picking out the colors and flavors, the treats that taste good to us and look good to the world.

And then life gets hard. It doesn't matter whether you wanted it to get hard or not. What matters is if you are beside the person or the people in your life you want to do that hard with; the person and the people who have demonstrated they want to do hard with you.

There are very few people we can't navigate the easy parts of life with. Maybe the more challenging find is finding the people we want to navigate the hard parts with.

I don't know what the answer to that is. At least not personally, because again - I am hardly the expert. But I think it starts with ditching the assumption of - and maybe even the desire for - happily ever after.

I think it starts with assuming happily ever after is a fairy tale, and hardships and challenges are a reality. And then looking at the person beside you and asking, is this who I want to tackle reality with. Is this who - more than anyone else.

If the answer is yes, then you like my buddy are incredibly blessed.

Because when you get to a place - and to a person in life - where you are at your best when life gets hard. You've reached a great place.

You have found your person.