Invest in the things that you value about you

​The biggest risk of not knowing who you are is it gives others the constant opportunity to decide that for you.

I used to be obsessed with people thinking favorably of me. So, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the things I could do to make people think favorably of me. I'm not sure I always knew that's what I was doing. But it WAS what I was doing.

We all need to feel valued. It's a non-negotiable. And we seek that value in one of two places. We seek it from within us or outside of us.

Since I was awful at finding any value inside me, I tried to seduce others around me into valuing me. I was great at it. Until the day I realized I was better at making other people love me than I was at making me love myself.

I didn't know it at the time, but fighting for the approval of others destroys self-confidence. When you're value is found in what other people think about you, and since you never have full control of that, you are always at risk of losing your value.

And you are always in a place of wondering, am I enough today?

Today I am in a place where I no longer have to wonder if I am enough. I am never at risk of losing my value again. Because today, precisely none of my value is dependent on what someone else thinks about me. It's totally dependent on what I think about me.

That hasn't been an easy road. I didn't wake up one day and proclaim that I am so confident about me that I can no longer be influenced by you.

It just doesn't work that way.

It's taken me years to discover my own identity. It's taken decades for the challenges and hardships and my own reckless pursuits of external meaning in my life to beat me up and strip me down to just me.

Strip me down to just me and the question: who in the heck am I?

I am a Jesus follower. I am a dad. I am a writer. And I am someone who is passionate about influencing the value of human connection in this world.

That's who I am.

Every day, I get up and go to work trying to sharpen those four areas of my identity. And when I feel like I've done something well in those areas, I tell myself I am proud of the work I've done.

When I am done writing this article, I will tell myself, I am proud of you for writing it. Whether anyone likes it or doesn't like it, that won't influence how much I value me.

I have found value in being a writer. I honor my identity when I get up and write. I build a self-confidence in my identity that can't be stripped away if I continue to honor that identity. I value me for being who I have come to know me to be.

And as a result, I am now solely in charge of my value.

Who are you? That's the question. Not who do others say you are, but who are you?

Find the answer to that question. Find the things about you that you can value about you. Then go to work growing the value of those things every day, and tell yourself you're proud of yourself for doing it!

I also need to add, I am blessed to have people in my life who regularly value the things I do, the things that reflect my identity.

That feels good.

It feels good because people valuing me is a natural consequence of me valuing myself, and not of me pursuing people's value.

I don't think there's been a healthier shift in my life.

We can all make that shift.