People Need To Feel Like They Matter Before Anything Else Does

I participated in an activity last week with a fairly large group. There were eighteen of us. From a large selection of picture cards, each of us selected one that spoke to us. Then, we found a quiet place and told a partner from the group why these pictures mattered to us; we told our partner our story.

Many of the partners were complete strangers—mine was. After several minutes, when all the partners were done sharing stories, we gathered back together. And the partners then, with permission, told each other's stories to the group.

This is not the first time I've participated in this activity. So what I felt - what I sensed the whole group feel - was not a random experience. It happens every time. And that is, in hearing someone share your story, not so much the words they say but HOW they say them—it feels like your story matters.

And when someone shares your story like IT matters, you suddenly feel like YOU matter.

Zach Mercurio says, "For someone who doesn't believe that they matter, it's hard for anything to matter."

I felt that in this group. When we were all done sharing each other's stories out loud, and we all felt a little more like we mattered, the entire training that this activity was an element of seemed to matter more.

We were all a little more committed to and energized for the final outcome.

In doing this activity before, I've thought, more married couples should do this. Maybe every day. They should find some random picture, share with their partner the personal story the picture brings to mind, then the partners share the stories back to one another.

Share back in a way that let's the partner know their story has been heard and that it matters. Because in doing so, it will have been shared in a way that let's them know THEY matter.

I say that because I am living in the aftermath of a failed marriage. But in that aftermath, I've determined the marriage didn't fail because marriage didn't matter to us, it failed because we didn't matter to one another.

In so many struggling marriages, the first solution—strategy—you often here is "re-commit yourself to your marriage." Promise each other a little more to hold on a little tighter to the THE PROMISE you made.

I have wondered in the aftermath of these activities, what would marriage have been like if we'd been curious about each other's stories, heard them, held them, read them back to one another like they were best sellers.

Because the truth is, we didn't know the half of each other's stories. We knew we'd lived up to our promise for 22 years—kept our marriage vows—but we did not know each other's stories.

If someone does not know your story, they can't honor it.

If someone can't honor your story, it's hard for you to feel like you matter.

And when you don't feel like you matter, it's hard for anything to matter.

I say that to remind you, if you want someone to feel like anything they are doing today matters more: marriage, their job, their parenting, their commitment to the HOA guidelines, how and if they show up to church, etc. - start by asking yourself, "how do I make them feel like their story matters more?"

And it doesn't have to be very complicated.

It can be as simple as a picture. Some questions. Holding the answers to those questions like they matter.

You'd be surprised how many people are walking around out there with stories no one has ever asked them about. And just how much more they feel like they matter when someone finally does ask.

Everyone wants to feel like they matter.

Until they do, nothing else really matters.