Relationships are venues for expression

​Yesterday, I reflected a bit on my work with at-risk kids. I want to do that a little more this morning. I want to dive a little deeper into the power of meeting kids - and people in general - where they are at.

In doing so, I want to point out that sometimes we complicate that process by trying to control how people express themselves once we meet them there.

Many of the kids I worked with were angry kids. If you don't get that, I can tell you some of their stories. Then you'll get their anger. You might even get a bit angry yourself.

I'm going to skip a lot of my mistakes and what I didn't understand about working with kids and jump right to an important discovery.

Sometimes people need a venue to be pissed off. Sometimes people yelling and screaming and expressing the torment of their lives isn't someone angry at you. Sometimes it's not them angry at anyone at all. Sometimes it's just the way they need to express themselves in that moment.

Sometimes it's just a kid being who they are.

When we tell an angry kid they can't be mad, we're telling a human they can't be themselves. And when we tell an angry kid they can't be mad, we teach them to hide their anger, not resolve it. It's a foolish mistake to believe a kid we've taught - or demanded - to suppress their anger is no longer an angry kid.

We may never come to realize that, because we've also taught that kid to avoid relationships. Relationships are a venue for expression. If someone can't express themselves in that venue, they won't show up to it.

Too often, as humans, we are only comfortable with expressions that don't make us uncomfortable. We're big on laughter - happiness - bring on the smiles - we can sit in that venue all day long.

What we aren't as comfortable with is anger or sadness or frustration. And the consequence of that is we send people into hiding from the venue of relationships altogether.

You know, I witnessed some beautiful things working with kids who cussed me out, called me names I'd never been called before, kids who balled up their fists and stomped their feet so deep into the ground I thought they might bury themselves right where they stomped - but something beautiful happens on the other side of that anger when we choose not to beat a kid up for expressing it - no matter how ugly - but instead choose to ask them what they are so angry about.

It's amazing the stories they'll tell you. It's amazing how much more eager they will be the next time to skip the anger and go right to the answering. It's amazing how deep the venue of that relationship can get. How deeply beautiful a venue that isn't all smiles can feel.

We do each other no good when we try to dictate the terms of expression. That's especially true of our kids. Because when we do, it's all the more likely they'll avoid the venue of relationships forever.

They'll miss out on the chance to express who they truly are.