The Same Thing Can BE Two Very Different Things

​Someone recently asked me, “How can two people look at the exact same video and see two completely different things?”

They weren’t asking out of curiosity. They weren’t even really asking. They were making a statement in the form of a question. We do that sometimes to make ourselves sound more curious than judgmental.

Nonetheless, it is a good question to explore from a place of curiosity.

I fear many of us don't understand how our brains work. Each of our brains generates a model of the world. Our models are built on our personal experiences and everything we’ve been taught. I think we’d all agree that none of us have had the same experiences, and none of us have been taught the same lessons.

Here’s the important part: these models aren’t primarily to help us understand what we’re seeing. They’re there to help us predict what we’re about to see.

Crazy, right?

But our brains are wired to protect us, to keep us safe. And what better way to stay safe than to predict what’s going to happen next? If there’s a predator coming after me, I need to recognize an attacking predator before it gets to me, rather than analyzing what on earth it was after I’ve already been attacked.

This is how we’ve evolved.

So when it comes to our brains, perception isn’t seeing first and thinking second. It’s thinking first and seeing second. And because of our individual mental models, when new information fits the prediction, it feels true. When it doesn’t, it often feels wrong, even if it’s accurate. And many times, we’ll cling to an inaccuracy just to make things feel less wrong and more safe.

We don’t simply interpret what we see. We often decide what we’re going to see first, and then recruit reality to confirm it. Once that decision is made, evidence stops being information and starts being decoration.

Yes, I’m talking about videos. But this goes way beyond videos. We do this every day in our relationships.

So often we don’t meet people where they are. We meet them as who we predict they’re going to be. By the time they talk, we’ve already decided what they’re going to say. We’ve decided that even their kindest words will sound like attack or a rejection.

What’s tragic is that this usually isn’t malicious. It’s protective. Our brains are trying to keep us safe, efficient, and aligned with our mental models. But when it comes to the brain, efficiency is the enemy of curiosity. And nothing will kill a relationship faster than certainty.

Our instincts push us to decide in advance what someone is, which risks us never knowing who they really are. Our instincts push us to decide in advance what we’re seeing in a video, which risks us never knowing what we’re actually seeing.

Many will read this and maybe think, hmm, that explains THEM.

I think the more helpful way to read it is to wonder, how often do I think before I see? And if the answer is “a lot,” that’s okay. Our brains push us toward that.

The helpful approach is to take back a little control from the brain and incorporate another step:

Think. See. Then think AGAIN.

After we see, force ourselves into curiosity. Whether it’s during a conversation with someone we love or while watching a video, our brains want to tell us what we’re seeing.

Stop. Pause. Ask: Is that really what I’m seeing?