We can't pick ourselves up while beating ourselves up

​I met with a young lady yesterday who'd made a mistake. As we talked about the mistake, she was very quiet.

She'd answer my questions; yes sir, no sir. But there were few details. No desire to share any. There was little sign of life at all beneath the responses.

I noticed though, as the questions kept coming and the answers got harder for her to give, that there were tears. They were small and contained, but the tears were there.

I recognized them; I always do.

I was done with my questions. All but one, that is.

Can you tell me about those tears, I asked her. I knew the answer. I wasn't curious about her tears. I was curious if she knew what her tears were.

She did.

Because she said - the tears no longer contained - I'm just really mad at myself. What I did was stupid. I feel really dumb.

I sat with that for a second, then told her, what you did wasn't really stupid, it was really human. Making mistakes is human, not dumb.

Dumb is what we are prone to call ourselves at times when we are being human. Sometimes it's a really unfair accusation. It is always unhealthy.

I told her every mistake precedes a choice. Do I beat myself up or pick myself up?

I told her there are days, as someone about four decades more experienced with that choice than her, that I wish I could go back to my earliest days of that choice. Go back and choose pick myself up and not beat myself up.

Because it's a critical choice we make, beat myself up or pick myself up. A life of beating oneself up looks remarkably different than one of picking oneself up.

Remarkably different.

She smiled. There was life. She began telling me about being an athlete and student. She began telling me what she dreamed about doing when she gets a little older. She told me about summer plans. There was excitement and there was hope.

Because that's what happens when we start picking ourselves up and stop beating ourselves up. We give invitation to hope.

I am thankful to know that. To have learned that.

Because when we are sitting in a moment like that. When we share a moment with someone else's mistake. We have a choice, do I beat them up or pick them up.

Only one of those answers gives birth to hope.

If you are in the presence of someone today who has made a mistake, don't beat them up; they already have that angle covered.

Ask them about their tears, and then remind them that mistakes are simply the precursor to a choice.

Beat myself up or pick myself up.

Then help them choose the hopeful response. It makes all the difference.