When it comes to relationships our brain is not always our friend

​Our brain's main job is to predict what is coming next. There is no better way of keeping something safe than knowing the future. Our brain is the captain of our personal safety, so the brain is constantly trying to get better at knowing what's coming next.

Our relationships are our primary source of safety. And threat. So our brain prioritizes knowing whether our next interaction is a safe one or a risky one.

In some ways the brain works against itself in this effort. The brain loves patterns. Habits. If it can get wired into us predictable habits, it doesn't have to use a lot of energy trying to figure things out. It turns certain areas of our lives over to our patterns.

Relationships are one of the brain's favorite patterns to create.

Maybe we find ourselves over and over again in relationships where there is little emotion or communication. There is quiet and isolation. Our brain comes to expect that. It makes the brain's job easier trying to keep us safe in isolated relationships if it knows we are always going to live in isolation.

Maybe we find ourselves over and over again in relationships where there are extreme emotions and volatility. There is chaos. Our brain comes to expect that. It makes the brain's job easier trying to keep us safe in chaotic relationships if it knows we are always going to live in chaos.

We know that neither isolation or chaos is the safest place for us to live. As much as we appreciate the brain's effort to keep us safe in these spaces, we know these spaces are full of turmoil.

At some point we have to say thank you brain, but no thank you. I appreciate that you try to wire me for predictability - I appreciate your love of habits and efficiency - but I'm afraid you've mixed up some wires in my life.

Then we have to grab hold of the wires and do some intentional re-wiring ourselves. Maybe we need to watch a few YouTube videos on electrical repairs, but when it comes to relationships - until we make some changes - we will always seek what we've always had. So watching those videos is pretty important.

Call it a brain flaw if you want, but when you know the flaw the impact of the flaw loses its power.

When you are used to living in isolation or chaos, it's difficult to seek out safe and secure relationships. If you've never been there you haven't the slightest clue how to go there.

But all of us have an innate longing for safety in relationship. All of us can begin looking around and seeing hints of it in someone else. We see someone who isn't afraid to safely share emotions. We see someone who is seemingly living free of volatility. We see people worth taking a chance on. Reaching out to.

It's hard to leave our senses of isolation and senses of volatility for a sense of safety. Leaving ANY pattern is hard; I gave up ice cream this year - patterns are daggone hard to abandon.

But they can be abandoned. And as useful as our brain can be, its love of habits can work against us.

Until we recognize unhealthy ones and decide, today I'm leaving my pattern.

And starting a new one.

Until one day the brain recognizes this pattern we have of living in safe and secure relationships. And we get to put our electrical tools back in the closet.

Don't forget where you put them though, you never know when the brain might need our help again.