who are you - the road to authenticity

​Yesterday I was out running. And I shared that while I was running God spoke this question to me: "what's the first question I'll ask you when we meet face to face?"

I know that question was from God because it simply is not a question I would choose to ask myself while I'm out running. Running is often my escape; it's my light in a heavy world. That question was not light.

And I also know it was from God because it's a question that would not go away. It just went on asking...

As I was thinking about it, I reflected on the first question God ever asked man. In the book of Genesis, Adam is in the garden hiding from God - in shame - he and Eve had just turned away from their relationship with God. And God asked Adam, "where are you?"

Now, if you believe God is the God I believe God to be, you don't believe for a second God didn't know where Adam was. So why God - why ask the question?

I think sometimes God leaves a question stuck in us so we'll be inclined to live out the answer. He wanted Adam to always be hearing - where are you - so Adam would be inclined to forever be asking himself - where am I?

Maybe so Adam would be forever inclined to live out the answer - I'm with you God.

So what question was God trying to leave stuck in me yesterday? That's what I spent my day pondering. And I just kept coming back to one question: who are you?

I decided in many ways that wasn't a question at all. It was a reminder that God knows my heart - he knows my heart's blessings and its curses.

Over a year ago I had dinner with a buddy. I told him, from this point forward I will be the real me. Authentic will be my word. And I confess, that has been a struggle. Because - in the name of honoring my vow of authenticity - I will tell you that authentic has not always been my strong point. Because authentic requires radical honesty, and honesty has not always been my strength.

I've spent a large part of my life lying to others out of fear. Lying to myself out of shame. Lying to God in hopes of somehow measuring up. And that - more than anything else - has made relationships very difficult for me.

So really, when I told my buddy this would be the year of authenticity - it wasn't me craving a life of honesty - it was me craving relationship.

With others, and with God.

I read something just before I went to bed last night. And like the question God put on my heart - this page in this book - this paragraph - was not an accidental crossing of paths.

In her book Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke says:

"Mutual honesty precludes shame and presages an intimacy explosion, a rush of emotional warmth that comes from feeling deeply connected to others when we're accepted despite our flaws. It is not our perfection but our willingness to work together to remedy our mistakes that creates the intimacy we crave."

God asked me that question yesterday, not because he wanted an answer, but because he wanted to give one. He wanted to remind me that some of my deepest longings in life don't require me to change as much as they are asking me to be real about who I am.

I trust God sees that work going on. I trust his question was far more encouragement than scolding.

And I trust God knows, more than ever, when I arrive at his doorstep or gate or at the head of his trail - whatever the entrance to his home might look like - I trust he knows that when he does ask me - "who are you?" - oh how I believe with all my heart he already knows my answer.

I am yours, I will say. I am intimately yours.