Without Connection, There Is No Leadership

​Mike Vrabel is the first year coach of the New England Patriots. He just led the Patriots to their first division title since a guy named Tom Brady was around - which makes Vrabel and his team quite a story.

Before their playoff game yesterday, one of the pre-game shows interviewed several Patriot players about "how did you do it?" The players referenced something that happened before the season, and off the field, as a big piece of their success.

In a team meeting before the season began, Vrabel asked each player to share their 4 H's. He asked each player to stand up and share their: History, Hero, Heartbreak, and Hope.

The players said initially they felt uneasy about the request - until Vrabel volunteered to go first. They said their coach being vulnerable felt like an invitation for them to do the same.

It's my observation that the leaders who don't lead well - who are leaders with far more subordinates than followers - skip this vital step that Vrabel put first. The step of connecting.

And the first step of connecting is always - "I want to know you."

Leading without connecting is managing. Or more honestly, it’s controlling. You can get compliance without connection. You can get motion without meaning. You can even get results for a while. But you will not get loyalty, trust, or transformation.

I see it often in the business world, in the pastoral world, in the coaching world - and really, quite often, in the parenting world. Leaders - those in some position of authority - who have no idea how to connect to another human being on a vulnerable level, so they overcompensate for it by doubling down on control. Intimidation. Fear-based guidance.

Without connection, people don’t follow the leader, they follow the paycheck, the rulebook, or the exit sign. I hear a lot about 'burnout' these days - and in many cases, burnout is simply a case of not enough connection.

None of this is surprising. Our brains are wired this way. They are always seeking safety - they most often feel their safest inside connection - and inside that connection is where they are eager to listen, learn, and follow.

When you stand up in front of a room of teammates and share your biggest heartbreak, and your teammates listen with interest and compassion, you feel safe, seen, and known. And when this is all arranged by your coach, invited by him, you're suddenly a player who wants to not just play for that coach, you want to follow him.

Some days the world feels pretty chaotic to me. I feel like that's because we don't have enough leaders. And I'm not talking national level politicians - I'm talking leaders in our families, and businesses, and churches, and communities.

We have too many people in charge who don't know how to connect (often because they grew up without it) - who do not VALUE connection - so they lead with control. And eventually, too much control starts to look like too much out of control.

If you want to become a better leader today, maybe ask those you want to follow you about their 4 H's. And when they look a little uneasy about it - you go first.

You lead the way.