You Aren't Always The Outsider You Think You Are

​Elliott graduated high school yesterday. And for the better part of the last couple of years, I had no idea if I would be there to see it. Not because anyone was going to lock me out, but because I didn't know if I'd have it in me to break through the locks I felt like I'd have to break through to get in to see it.

There's a lot of things you don't know about divorce when you get divorced (much like there are a lot of things about marriage you don't know when you get married). And one of those things is the risk you run of becoming an outsider.

An outsider in friend groups.

And outsider in the town you spent 15 years in.

An outsider in your kids' lives.

I have been an outsider since my divorce. Whether that is truth or a feeling, whether I am to blame or someone else is, it really doesn't matter. At least not when it comes to things like attending a graduation.

Outsiders find little comfort in knowing why they are an outsider.

But I have had dear friends along the road of this journey encouraging me, and some expressing what I am sure many of you are thinking: You can NOT miss your son's graduation. You will regret it, they said. I would remind them that I am not one who lives with regrets, while knowing the decision to not attend might indeed be one regret that would haunt me forever.

A sweet friend reached out yesterday morning. The timing divine, I believe. Because even yesterday morning, even with the graduation ticket in hand, I felt on the edge of a panic attack. Even a mere few hours before the graduation, I had no idea if I could break through the locks.

I told her, you don't see it coming when they are kindergartners and you are imagining high school graduation day. You don't even consider to imagine feelings other than celebration. You surely don't imagine you will attend your son's graduation without any idea who will be sitting beside you. You don't imagine you will attend your son's graduation sitting among strangers feeling like a stranger.

My friend told me, I’ll be thinking of you. Everyone around you will be there with the same love and joy they have for a child out there. Feed off of that mutual energy.

And the panic left.

I walked into the graduation. Found a quiet corner high in the stadium seating where I could see it all without being seen. Still, the intense anxiousness was settling in. Then a woman comes bounding up the steps toward me. A stranger. A stranger with big floppy ears mounted on her head. And on the ears there were words: PROUD MAMA

"Everyone around you will be there with the same love and joy they have for a child out there. Feed off of that mutual energy."

The graduation rolled on. And for the first time, it felt like a celebration. Not just a ceremony. A shared joy between me and my son - and between thousands of friends and families and their kids. For that moment, I wasn’t an outsider.

I was a dad.

Afterward, I stood alone, leaning against a traffic barricade, watching graduates stream past in every direction. I started to wonder if Elliott had already come and gone. The outsider feeling crept back in.

Then I heard the magical words: "hey loser."

And there he was. My graduate. My hug.

Elliott knew I wrestled with this graduation. We had talked about it. When I mentioned I wasn't sure if I could come he tried to console me by saying he himself wouldn't go if he didn't have to. (I actually believe there was some truth in that).

But I knew Elliott would feel bad if I didn't show up. Not so much because I didn't show up, but because he would somehow come to believe he contributed to the reason I felt like I couldn't.

And that - in the end - was the regret I couldn't imagine living with.

I was sitting at home last night. Alone. Many hours after the graduation. I was sort of lost in processing the day. And the message alert sounds off from my phone. It was Elliott. And the message, just two words:

Love you.

I will keep that message forever. Yes, because it was like a very rare coin - just not many of them in existence in this world. But more, as a reminder.

A reminder that I am not an outsider. Not in the world that matters most to me.

I am grateful - SO grateful - for all of the friends who encouraged me along the road to this graduation (even those of you who did a little shaming and dragging).

Thank you.

And I promise right now, I won't make it as hard on you when the next one comes along in two years....😊