You Had Me At Hello Is The Easy Part

​I went to see a special 30th anniversary showing of Jerry McGuire last night. There's an iconic scene at the end of the movie when Dorothy tells Jerry McGuire: "You had me at hello."

Something hit me powerfully in that scene that hadn't hit me as powerfully the dozen times I'd seen the movie before. When Dorothy is saying "You had me at hello," she is surrounded by a sizable group of divorced women who'd all had to say goodbye to their marriages.

It made me wonder - fictionally speaking - are Dorothy and Jerry still married? Are they celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this year? Or did they, like so many of the people in the room with them, have to learn to say goodbye?

I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve seen Jerry McGuire since my marriage ended six years ago. So maybe I wasn’t just watching the scene -maybe in some way I was sitting in that room.

I wonder if the women listening heard Dorothy's words with some cynicism. I wonder if they, like me, were all too aware that "hello" is the easy word to say in a marriage. We romanticize the moment of connection - “you had me at hello” - but relationships are built - or broken - by the words that come after.

I fully know the power of "you had me at hello." I dated my ex-wife for less than 5 months then flew off to the Virgin Islands and got married. We knew the love language of connection quite well, emotional peak, our struggle came with with maintaining it.

"I had you at hello" can be deceiving. It can tempt you to believe marriage will always be as simple as hello. It's not. Because more important than hello, you have to be able to say things like:

“I was wrong.”

“Can you help me understand?”

“I feel ___, and I don’t fully know why yet.”

“I need…”

“I hear you.”

“Thank you for…”

“I’m scared that…”

“What do you need from me right now?”

“Let’s try again.”

“I still choose you.”

These were words not often - if ever - said in my marriage by either of us. I read them like a foreign language in our story. And when you can't find these words in a relationship, it's a steep and painful fall from "you had me at hello" to goodbye....

It occurred to me last night just how many love story movies end at the hello part. The emotional peak. They end at the promise of happily ever after without ever following the promise.

Maybe Dorothy and Jerry are still together. Maybe their hello has indeed turned into happily ever after. If so, I think that would make for a great sequel.

Maybe one I and many of us need to see.

Be reminded of the part where they fall in love - yes - but more importantly, the part where they learn how to stay.