I've been listening to a song the past couple of weeks: "Honest" by Influence Music.
It might be the best titled song ever - because the honesty of it, the rawness of it, has hit me each time I've listened to it. I write a lot about my faith. And I think maybe at times I give the false impression that my faith comes easy, that it's easy to believe the things I believe, when in reality, most days believing is one of the hardest things I do. There was a day I didn't believe so much the things I believe today. Those days were easier in many ways. Because when you start believing in the God I believe in, then you're believing in someone who says he loves you more than anyone possibly can. But then, with that comes someone to blame when life doesn't go the way you want it to, or doesn't make you feel the way you think you should be allowed to feel. It's hard enough to grasp why the people around us would leave us hurting, or would hurt one another, but how could a God who created us all, created us all because he loved us even before we were in the womb, how could he be OK with any of us hurting at all? And I hope you're not afraid of my questioning. But I gotta be honest Believing is hard to do But there's another side of that equation for me. Another question. Along with who gets the blame is who can I thank for the miracles in my life, the miracles that appear over and over. I had a conversation with a work colleague yesterday. We were talking about the miracles happening in people's hurting lives in her community because of some of the work her and her team are doing. I had tears. The emotions boiled over right there. Who do I thank for that? Who do I thank on my morning walk when I look up at the moon and the stars and the sun rising in the distance - awed by it all? Who do I thank when a life gone so astray can sit and have conversations with young people about my darkness with hopes it will bring light to THEIR darkness? Who do I thank when a baby who came into the world with no life is now running up and down a basketball court these days? Who do I thank for another day, another opportunity to write right here, to share doubt, to share miracles? The hard part about believing is navigating the gulf between blame and gratitude. The hard part about believing is accepting the maker of the miracles is willing to allow the pain that often precedes them. But - this is the God - this God I believe in - who allowed his Son to die on a cross as part of the plan to bring miracles into my life. That makes the believing easier. But to be honest, believing is still really hard.
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Robert "Keith" CartwrightI am a friend of God, a dad, a runner who never wins, but is always searching for beauty in the race. Archives
May 2024
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