One of the hardest parts about life, at least my life, is my brain almost always talks louder about the things I want than about the things I value.
In fact, maybe that's the greatest stressor in life - the greatest source of sadness - the reality that what we want is often not the same as what we value. Mel Robbins says, "the main reason why most people are unfulfilled is because they aren't living their lives in alignment with what they truly believe and value." How nice would it be if we had computer chips in us. We could program in our values - our wants would then follow that program. Maybe that's the point. Maybe the purpose of the stressors and the sadness of living a life out of alignment isn't to make us stressed and sad, maybe those feelings are to motivate change. Maybe they are to ultimately move us in the direction of a life that wants what it values. I think the divide between what we want and value is centered in comfort. What we want right now is comfort. What we value often comes at a cost - a cost that usually involves giving up short term comfort and pleasure. I love the bible story about the rich young ruler. In Mark, we find the story of a rich young man who is telling Jesus how much he values him. I've kept all the commandments since I was a kid, he tells Jesus. But then Jesus hits him hard in that divide between want and value. Jesus says to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” The story says the man "was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property." The man was deeply dismayed because he suddenly realize how out of alignment his life was with what he claimed to value most. I'm going to tell you - following Jesus is a tough thing to value most in my life. Because at the heart of a value centered on following Jesus is a heart totally consumed with the welfare of others. But my brain - I'm going to tell you - my brain has an awful lot of concern about the welfare of Keith. Maybe your first value isn't following Jesus. But I think you can still understand the struggle. Maybe your first value is health or education or a relationship. My guess is your brain isn't wired to talk you into the things that are most in line with those values. Your brain is always trying to talk you into an easy way around the hard path of living out those values. It's helpful to know that. There is power in knowing what your brain is up to. It affords us the chance to ask the right questions. If I buy this big house I want right now, will it give me more or less ability to help others? If I eat this big bowl of ice cream I want to eat right now, will it make me feel more or less in alignment with the health plan I'm committed to following. If I pick up my phone and scroll Facebook, with my kids sitting right next to me, will it make me more or less in alignment with the always available dad I want to be? I give people the benefit of the doubt in a lot of cases. I believe most people genuinely have somewhere in them good values. They just aren't always good at following them. I know I'm not. That's because we have a brain that's addicted to pleasure. And in the short term, doing the things we value most aren't always the most pleasurable. But they are almost always the only path to meaningful. To fulfillment. That's why getting good at pauses in life can be life changing. The pauses that allow us to ask, is this what I want - or what I value?
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Robert "Keith" CartwrightI am a friend of God, a dad, a runner who never wins, but is always searching for beauty in the race. Archives
May 2024
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